Thirty-seven men were in attendance at an all-men’s marriage seminar. Twenty-two of them are spiritual leaders, and they came from different religious and professional backgrounds. The following questions were asked of them: “How many of you have had extra-marital affairs in the last one year?”
The questioner didn’t rub in the question.
The questioner didn’t rub in the question. He waited for a show of hands. After about three long minutes of silence, one man raised his hand. Then two more hands. Then more. And more. It took about 15 minutes before 35 out of 37 men confessed to having slept with women other than their wives. Then the questioner, a spiritual leader himself, raised his hand too! They became 36. He then asked: “How many of you love your wives?”
Thirty-two raised their hands immediately. Four people who did not raise their hands said they were not sure. One said flat-out he had no love for his wife. Then another question: “Is it possible to love your wife and have an affair?” Thirty-two people said, ‘Yes.”
Then the final question: “How many of you will do it again?” Only one man raised his hand. It was the man who said he did not love his wife.
Monogamy may not be a rare find these days, but adulterous acts are all over the place. Whether it’s in America or Nigeria, men and women are breaking their oaths of ‘for better or for worse”. Even in Christian churches that champion the one-man-one-wife ecclesiology, monogamy is only on the lips of many. Multifarious sexual acrobatics are becoming attractive. Fidelity is in its final flight away from human conscience. About eight years ago, a big Nigerian pastor was caught in an adultery melee. The gossip was that a pastor committed adultery, and his wife was mad as hell and justifiably so. Some snazzy girls, it is alleged, live in the white house (wherever that is) with the man of God while the helpmeet wife, for 15 years or more, lived in far-away Europe. The optic of this arrangement was not just warped; it was a breeding ground for assumptions, insinuations, allegations and fetors of foul play.
This is the crux of this whole messy matter. No adulterous escapade was confirmed according to the divorce papers filed in a London court by the wife, but when trust is thrust out of the window in a relationship, everybody scampers to find a new trustworthy tent. For every marriage consummated in the church and then decimated ingloriously in public glare is a painful heartthrob. Unfortunately, marriages do crash, love does fade, and frictions do occur between people who used to be head-over-heels in love with one another. This is the unchangeable truth. Those who once said, “I do” in a marriage may come back and say, “I am done.” In the United States, where this writer resides, this happens 50 per cent of the time. It takes the grace of God and personal commitment of the duo in any marital relationship to keep the union standing. In the case of this pastor, his marriage crashed, but his church has added membership in the hundreds of thousands across the globe. We aren’t certain if he has remarried.
In the United States, adultery isn’t just a crime in the eyes of your spouse. In 21 states, cheating in a marriage is against the law, punishable by a fine or even jail time. Adultery in the states of Michigan and Wisconsin is a felony; In Maryland, the penalty is a paltry $10 fine. In Massachusetts, an adulterer could face up to three years in jail. Sexual activity between consenting adults is legal in Texas. In Nigeria, this issue is as confusing as the politics of the country. Adultery is free-for-all in my country. I have counselled a few women with philandering husbands. Some of them believe that men are wired to have a sexual desire for more than one woman. In their opinion, it is natural and inevitable for men to cheat. The question of whether men are “wired” to be monogamous is complex.
From an evolutionary perspective, men may have a biological drive for multiple partners to maximise reproduction. However, humans are capable of complex social behaviour and cultural influence, which can shape attitudes toward monogamy. Many men value and practise monogamy, citing emotional connection, commitment, and personal values. Terri Conley is a Professor of Psychology at the University of Michigan, where research challenging traditional views on monogamy and highlighting its potential limitations was once conducted. The professor finally submitted that monogamy is very restrictive, and that consensual non-monogamy may be a viable alternative for some individuals. Many men in Nigeria think it’s their right to jump on different beds. “After all, we are in Africa,” they submit. Although some men and women take monogamy seriously, there are many more who don’t.
What will you do if you catch your spouse red-handed dancing the sexual blues with another man or woman? One man told me, “I will die.” He prefers to kill himself to trying to kill the woman who will kill him. Some single and married women see nothing wrong in having affairs with married men. “As long as he is my lover, I am cool with that,” said one woman. Adultery crushes emotions. The psychological impact on victims is grave. Homes have been broken, and where children are involved, lives have run into tatters. Many people are sitting in jailhouses across the US because of the harm they inflicted on cheating spouses. Men and women seem to be addicted to flings outside of their homes. In Nigeria, economics usually drives most single and married women to look outside. There is too much hunger in the land. Proof of adultery in some parts of Nigeria is only a ground for divorce. In some parts of the north, an adulterous woman can face the death penalty. An extramarital affair anywhere is all in the mind.
Many marriages continue to survive the pressure of infidelity even in the face of harsh economic realities. The truth, however, is that in Nigeria, it is too adulterously hot!!!
