The bank of mum and dad: Finding the balance between helping your adult children and protecting your marriage
- +Prioritise your peace and security
- +Setting boundaries is an expression of trust
When parents enter the later stages of their marriage, they often prepare for retirement and may have to adjust to reduced income in certain circumstances. However, instead of a decrease in their financial responsibilities, some parents have continued to finance the lives of their adult children, which can impact the quality of life they both anticipated for their own future. Finding the balance between helping your adult children and securing your own marital future is ensuring that there is something solid left standing even after the most demanding phase of parenting is over.
When parents enter the later stages of their marriage, they often prepare for retirement and may have to adjust to reduced income in certain circumstances.
Prioritise your peace and security
A healthy marriage understands that parenting never ends, but the way that it is expressed changes over time. The older you grow together, the more you should have the freedom and tenacity to invest in the future that you have built together as a couple. This is not about withdrawing your love and support for your children, but recognising that your marriage deserves your love, peace and security above all things.
As your children are learning to navigate their own lives and finances, you are also learning to manage the responsibilities that come with ageing so that you do not become a burden to them later. Therefore, your decision to prioritise yourself will help your adult children understand that each stage of life comes with its own set of obligations.
Setting boundaries is an expression of trust
Most parents’ intention is to be supportive; they step in because they love their adult child and want to protect him/her from hardship. Even though their act is meant to build their child up, the impact can become the opposite of their intention.
Your child may never get a chance to struggle and navigate life successfully alone, which is the foundation of self-actualisation. The more you step in to solve the problem, the more you may be intentionally eroding your child’s confidence and undermining the independence you are trying to build.
Setting boundaries is important and does not mean that your love is being held back. Sometimes, this can be the purest form of trust you can express to your adult child. This understanding can change your adult children’s perspective and, instead of interpreting your boundary as selfishness, they begin to see it as a reflection of the same discipline they hope to practise in their own lives eventually.
In the end, the greatest gift you can give your adult children as parents is not unlimited financial support but also playing the role of a model of responsible stewardship. When your children see you make thoughtful plans for your own future, live within sensible limits, and protect your financial stability, they are more likely to learn that every stage of life comes with responsibilities of its own.
Parents who practise financial discipline do more than secure their own future; they pass down, almost silently, the tools their children need to build one of their own. Ultimately, what you are giving your adult children is not measured only in monetary value but also in example, which demonstrates that responsible money management is never something you retire from when the children fly the nest, but a discipline that stays with you for life.
